I was sitting at my kitchen table enjoying the cool breeze and the sunshine. I had literally just written in my journal, “I am the Mercy pharmacy coordinator” four times, followed by a couple other dreams I am pursuing, when I was interrupted by a phone call. I saw it was a phone number from my workplace and my heart started racing. I answered the phone and my director told me very kindly that I am NOT the Mercy pharmacy coordinator. I held back my immediate sadness and told her I think the person they did hire will do an excellent job in the position (which I really do think) and that I look forward to working with them to start up a pharmacy safety committee (which I am happy I get to do). And then the conversation ended, I hung up the phone, laid down my head, and I cried.
Once the tears started flowing, they were not stopping. I set aside my journal and let myself cry it out – you know, the ugly cry kind – the kind where your emotions are just raw and you just need to release them out into the world. I am thankful I got this call when I was at home by myself and still had a couple hours before I had to go into work for the day. It felt like forever, but it was probably 5 minutes, and then I picked my head back up again. My journal was staring at me. I felt mocked by own words. But I believe in the power of focus and determination and I know that setting my mind on the things I desire helps drive my actions to make those things reality. So I picked my pen back up and kept on writing.
Being turned down from this job does not mean that all my dreams are ruined. My ultimate big, scary dream for my career is to have my own clinic practice where I set my own schedule. I saw this coordinator position as a way to gain more leadership experience and project management skills as some stepping stones on the road to that big dream, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still get to my destination. What I KNOW in my brain is that God has other plans for me. Maybe he’s breaking down branches to take me down a path in the woods. Maybe there’s a detour I need to make. Maybe I missed a turn and I need to take a few steps backward before moving ahead. I’m not going to pretend like I know what God will do in my life.
And let’s be honest here, I am still really disappointed. I really thought that this was the next right step to take. I really thought I would be able to spend more weekends with my family. I really thought the timing worked out so perfectly after giving a presentation to my coworkers about medication safety. I thought I had it figured out. But that’s the thing about life. I can’t figure it all out. I am not in charge – God is. And I know my life is better because of it. I have no regrets about the experience either. I prepared as much as I could and I feel good about how I did in the interview. I am going to keep showing up, continuing my work to start a safety committee in our department (although it would have been so nice to have dedicated time for this work instead of adding it on top of my full time work which seems to have less and less “down-time” these days), and being the best pharmacist I can be right where I am. I am going to keep taking steps to pursue the dreams I know God has given me. As that Don Moen song says, “God will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way.” While I feel the sting of pain and disappointment, I am surrendering it all to God.
Yesterday all I could pray was that God would help me through this. He spoke to me this morning with my daily Bible verse from Phillippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Another translation says, “Because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand.” I need that peace today. I need it to fill my heart, soul, and mind. I need it to push out those thoughts that pop up in the back of head that tell me I’m not good enough or I will never reach my goals. My default brain makes me want to start worrying about my future and my career and what this rejection means, but I am making the choice to accept God’s peace instead. It is not my job to understand. It is my job to be God’s child and to listen to and follow Him. God, thank you for this peace that passes all understanding, let it consume me as I follow the path you have laid out for me.